everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
They are going to name an STD after you.
Randomize
