Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
