so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
