On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
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