this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
It's 3am, i just got back from ht e bars and registered for classes larteeeeee. History of baseball at 8am? at least ill meet the only stragiht gusy at NYU!
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
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