dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
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