Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Randomize
