I cannot find my penis.
After going down on me he either said "there, it's over" or "there's an odor"... I couldn't hear him and was too embarrassed to ask him to repeat himself. I just got dressed, grabbed my bag, and left. So I don't think there's gunna be a second date. =(
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
and you fell through a lawn chair
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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