Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
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