it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Randomize
