I just pynch a tree in the face
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
