im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
