Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
