mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
Randomize
