my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
