Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
It was confusing and full of hummus
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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