Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
