So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
