I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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