20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
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