I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
