I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
