Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Randomize
