it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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