The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Randomize
