Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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