It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Randomize
