writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
Randomize
