Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
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