She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
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