It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
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