At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Is this like a preordered booty call?
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
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