fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Hehe I wanna Australian kiss.. Its like a French kiss but down under ;)
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize