my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
