apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
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