So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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