So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Randomize
