someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
