Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
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