now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
office poll is still running 100% that Spencer Pratt is more disturbing than David Carradine's death
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
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