So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
I could fuck to npr.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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