You did not just play the dead husband card again.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Randomize
