Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
