I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Randomize
