What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
Randomize
