I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Zip lining have a big frozedn drink with 151 rum chippendale pic life is GREAT
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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