I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
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