I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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