please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Randomize