My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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