Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
