I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
there was a trapeze. enough said
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Randomize
