listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Randomize
