Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
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