she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
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