I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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