I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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