I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
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