I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Randomize
