Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
