if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Randomize
