my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
