Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
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