somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Randomize
